I like to look through these daily prompts and try to get inspired. Specifically when I don’t feel especially inspired. Its funny, every time I leave therapy I feel most inspired to write. However, I go home to a house full of kids and don’t get the chance. I’m not complaining. They are wonderful.
So here we go… Carry.
I’ve carried two children. I’ve carried two beautiful children inside of my body. I’ve cradled them in my womb from their first heartbeat until I heard them cry after hours of labor. I’ve carried pieces of my heart in these two children and will carry them forever.
Carrying a child is a really beautiful thing. If I didn’t carry the worry with pregnancy, it would be one of the best experiences of my life. Unfortunately, I carry the worry so intensely. I carry it in every single muscle. Every breath is laced with it. I carry it with me and it weighs on every bit of excitement I should be experiencing.
After having my daughter I thought that I could quickly get these worries under control. I thought that I could overcome them. I thought I had the power to do this. The minute she was born I was overcome with such relief, joy, gratitude and fear. The fear was intense. It became my sole focus.
This would be the next 3 months of my life. Every minute has been consumed with fear. The first 6 weeks of her life I had to have my friends and family spend every day with me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t be a good mother. I could simply exist. The guilt you feel when this beautiful life that you’ve created depends on you to be everything and you are …nothing. You are weak, you are depressed, you are scared, you are out of your mind. I carry that guilt with me to this day. I knew that I had to call on those I loved to help me in this time and they did. My baby was well taken care of and she was always loved. I love her so much and always have. I loved her so much I had to work through every single difficult moment to make it to the next. The next was usually better than the last. Over time it has become easier. I am still working and I will never stop fighting to be the mother she deserves.
The funny thing is… she is blissfully unaware of any struggle I am going through. She is 5 months and all she has to do is see my face in the morning and her smile is so warm. When she cries and I pick her up she is comforted in my arms. She loves me and I carry that with me during every struggle.
I carried her for 9 months and she and her brother have carried me every day since. I love them more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I am so thankful.