Collapse, relax, breathe

I’m exhausted.

Today I got to catch up with a good friend.  She had a baby in June and our kids were finally able to get together and have a playdate.  (As much playing as can happen with a 5 month old, 2 month old and 3 year old.)  As we spent time reflecting on the past couple of months we started to talk about Claire and her allergy syndrome.  I realized when talking to her that this whole thing is getting to me even more than  I thought.  –Which I thought was impossible really.

So what am I afraid of?  I think that is what I should get out.  Maye if I confess my fears I can become more at peace with them.  I don’t know.  I have to try.

I’m afraid of more hospital visits.  I’m afraid of a more severe reaction.  I’m afraid to introduce any new food.  I’m afraid of everything that goes along with this. I’m afraid of the unknown.

Presently I’m afraid of her brother smearing peanut button on her, or her getting her hands on bread crumbs… or her paci going in her mouth after her brother has put it in his and eaten something.  I’m afraid her bottle may touch something on the counter she shouldn’t have.  I’m afraid of EVERYTHING.  I struggle so much with OCD anyway, and now this diagnosis has kicked it into overdrive.  I don’t even know if these things are real threats or dangers… but I feel like my girl is so fragile.  I feel like being overprotective is the only way to cope.  I have no idea actually how to cope.  I don’t know if my fears are rational or irrational.  I never know where that line is.

I’ve been constantly dealing with these fears… these thoughts–all of it.  It feels so intense because its my baby.  She is everything.  The pressure is …so much.  I wish I could accurately express how this feels.

My therapist always asks me to identify my feelings physically.  I feel them in my chest and in my stomach.  It feels tight.  Really, really tight.  The more my mind races the tighter my teeth clench and the tighter my stomach feels.  Eventually, they collapse.  They relax.  Briefly.  Recently, every day has been this way.  I get to a point where I have to make my muscles relax… it feels like defeat.  Letting my guard down feels like failure.  Relaxation feels like laziness.  How do I continue this way?

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