I wasn’t sure of what I would write about tonight… just that I wanted to write. I’d forgotten how therapeutic writing is and how it always has been in recent years and even if I feel I have nothing to write about… it is important to just do it. So here we go.
The prompt of the day is “Jump.” Funny, when reading the prompt my mind jumped around to a million different things I could write about … including that song “Jumper” from the 90s ha. Finally it settled on a memory that I don’t think of often but have recently for whatever reason.
My son was a few weeks old. I was sleep deprived, hormonal, bleeding, recovering, scared… terrified actually. I was responsible for a little life and this was sinking in. Every decision was monumental in my mind. It determined the health and well being of a little person. My chest was tight… my heart was pounding. Each day there was another new worry. A new concern. A new fear. My heart hurt. I hurt. It was too much..
I walked outside to my back deck. It overlooks a wooded area that is quite nice in the summer. Very lush. Green. I’ve spent many days with a glass of wine admiring the leaves as they danced on the trees in the wind. It is very peaceful. This day I could feel the sun. It was warm and comforting. I stretched my arms and rested them on the railing. I looked down at the ground and I was overcome with a desire to jump. The thought entered my mind quickly and intensely. I was caught off guard by it and began to analyze it. Was I so depressed that I wanted to end it all? What the hell was happening? I knew I wouldn’t actually do it, but until that moment I’d never even thought about it. I stepped back from the railing and ran back inside.
I never wanted to end my life. Not then, not now. I care too much. I love too much. The thought that entered my mind was a cry for help from myself… to myself. I needed to relax. I needed to step back and enjoy the blessings. I was suffering from my own obsessive thoughts and worries. They were killing me. This thought of jumping… was shocking to me. I had no desire to die so why did I picture it? That’s the great thing about the brain. I needed a moment. I needed a wake up call. I needed to be shocked into reality. The reality was that I had a beautiful baby. I was now a mother and there would be really difficult times… but there would also be amazing times. Since that day I’ve thought back to that moment several times. I’ve been thankful for the ability to determine that jumping wasn’t actually what I wanted to do … or what life was telling me to do. I know that some aren’t so lucky. I’m beyond grateful that I am on this journey of mental health and wellness. I pray that I can continue to see life for all of its blessings and wonderful moments and learn from the ones that aren’t so great.