love in all the madness

I haven’t written in a little while because things have been busy and they have stayed busy.  Such is life for a full time mommy of two with a part time job.  In the madness it is very easy  to lose sight of things that matter.  Over the past few days I’ve made myself pay attention.  I’ve appreciated moments here and there with every sense.  I’ve stopped and smelled my baby’s head.  I kissed my 3 year old’s cheek.  I stared into his beautiful blue eyes.  I appreciated every magical detail of my children.  They are gifts from God and I wanted to stop the madness and appreciate them.

Last night I noticed that when I was getting my daughter to sleep I was distracted by my phone.  There was a notification here, a ding there, I had a message… a new email.  I kept escaping the moment to check my phone.  I felt the burden in my chest.  I’ve become so used to being “connected” that I’ve become really disconnected from what is important.  I looked over at my baby and noticed her eyelashes, her two new teeth.  I felt guilt for having valued a phone over a beautiful moment with my child.  I told myself to be mindful.  Be present.  I held her small hand in mine- I examined her fingernails…I rubbed each one of her fingers.  I kissed her hand and I started crying.  The tears caught me by surprise.  I was so overwhelmed with the love I had for her.  She needed me.  She was completely comfortable and safe in my arms.  I am her world.  The realization was intense and wonderful.  It is so important to take time to appreciate these moments.  This is what life is all about.

Moments like this allow me to forgive myself when I haven’t had the greatest day.  When I lose my temper for a moment… or forget 38297 things in a day.  I remember that my children love me.  I remember that I love them and value them above everything.  I feel proud that I have gotten to the point of being able to stop my brain from losing control.  I feel empowered.  I can have control. I have that ability.  I can fully experience the moments gifted to me.  I can fully feel the gratitude.

Today was a very hectic today.  Doctor’s appointments, snack day, getting the kids ready, changing dirty diapers in the back of the car, getting lost on the way to two different places, oversleeping when getting one kid to sleep and then being late to pick up my other kid.  I had several moments throughout the day that I felt crappy about.  I started the blame game.  I told myself I was a horrible mother.  I felt like a bad mom.  Then I remembered that my son and I started his school day with a meditation and a prayer.  For the first time in weeks he got a great report from school.  He listened and he was rewarded with a visit to see daddy at work!  I felt good about sharing my question for mindfulness with my son.  It felt like it was working for both of us.

Tonight at dinner he told my husband that I forgot to take his snack to school and then I had to go home to get it and take it back.  He laughed… I laughed.  We laughed until I cried and he got hiccups.  My daughter caught the laugh and before long we were all laughing together in the middle of the living room floor.  It was magic.  The stress of the day didn’t matter because in that moment everything was okay.

 

3 thoughts on “love in all the madness

  1. The truth within, so hard to find, but once connected, never to be forgotten 🙂
    All leading to that self love, no expectations, not of you or others…unconditionally.
    And yes, it is there, gently prodding with those beautiful babies eyes you looked into…how did it make you feel, with tears expressing that feeling. Go there in all that you do…and it will guide you 🙂
    And remember, it is never the destination…as this world would have you believe. Namaste

    Liked by 2 people

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