One of the hardest things about being a parent with anxiety is concealing that anxiety for the benefit of your anxious son. The past few months have been difficult. I’ve become obsessed with the possibility that something is wrong with him. Does he have autism? Does he have ADHD? Does he have selective mutism? Is he just a developing young boy who needs time to adjust and be a kid? I don’t know. The not knowing is making me crazy.
Every day that I pick him up from school I have to deal with his teachers telling me that it was another rough day. He ran from them. He didn’t engage with other children. He didn’t listen. He acted out. I don’t know what to say to them anymore. I have no idea what to do. As much as I hate that they have to deal with his misbehavior… I hate even more that this could be due to anxiety or some other condition and none of us know how to deal with it. I never want my son to feel anxious. I don’t want him to act out because he doesn’t know how to express himself. I have such an ache in my heart for him.
Today I put him in his carseat and I kissed his cheeks. I stared into his beautiful blue eyes and I tried so hard to read them. I felt myself pleading with him telepathically almost. I tried to feel what he was feeling. I wanted to know so badly. “how was your day love?” “fine and good.” Sigh. I never get a direct answer. I just love him so much. I want to fix anything and everything for him.
I know he knows something is up. I’ve tried so hard to get him to talk to other kids. I’ve scolded him about listening and not touching other children. I’ve tried so hard to help him… and maybe I’ve done too much. I know he’s heard me talking about it. He’s seen me cry. I know he knows more than we give him credit for. I feel so guilty. Each day I struggle with letting my emotions show too much in front of him. I am desperately trying to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. It is so hard.
Why isn’t a mother’s love enough? It is the strongest emotion I feel. I feel like it has the strength to fix any problem. How can it possess so much power yet still not make everything perfect? No matter what I hope he knows that I love him yesterday, today and forever and ever and ever. I would do anything for that child. I will do anything for him. I don’t want him to suffer… ever. I’m always here to help him. I think I’m telling this blog because I don’t know that he understands when I tell him. I can only hope he does.
If you pray, pray for me and my family. My head and my heart need the love and support.